New Food items Being Offered at McDonalds….

1. McCartlidge: Chewy, not quite bone, not quite tendon remnants of cows slathered in rich rayonaize…our signature blend of expired relish and mayonaise.

2. Pear: Our latest addition to our helathy menu. Its just a pear.

3. McWaffle: Its this easy. Just take something and ad Mc infront of it…

4. McMilk: Looks like Milk, tastes like Milk. But wait a minute…turtles don’t give milk…nope they give McMilk. Mmmmmmm turtley.

5. McSteak: Fake meat served up hot. Almost sounds like MiSteak. Almost.


Top Ten Ideas to Fix GM as offered by new incoming CEO

1. Bigger more expensive trucks to drink more of the delicious oil stolen from Calgar…I mean Iraq.
2. Every new car or truck comes with a bag of Oreos jammed into the glove box.
3. Steering wheels now turn left AND right.
4. 60% of airbags will most likely deploy
5. Puppet shows at all dealerships.
6. Inside five randomly selected cars…a golden ticket…to tour downtown Detroit.
7. A magic flying car that runs on rainbows and dreams. Don’t just dismiss these ideas. We need to think outside the box.
8. One giant car that will fit every single american in at once.
9. Try to convince people it is much cheaper and comfortable to live in a pimped out SUV than in a cramped studio apartment.
10. Fix this? Are you fucking joking? This is the best deal ever. “We lost money, can we please have 16 billion dollars?” And they gave it to us??? There is nothing to fix. Next quarter I hope we sell negative five cars and I will ask for a trillion.



Top Ten Worst things to say in a job interview…

1. I had to leave my last job because my “list of people to kill” had just gotten too cumbersome to keep hiding in the filing cabinets. I would rather start fresh.

2. Mat leave is the best thing ever! Its like free money. And no I’m not pregnant yet…but I will be!!!

3. I think I would be a good fit here because based on what I saw in the waiting room, your company is really ugly and I can help make it a little better looking.

4. Where do I want to be in five years? Not in this shit hole. That’s for damn sure. Probably at your big competitors. But for now I can always settle.

5. How many hours a day can I spend online shopping?

6. What type of porn is not allowed to be viewed during office hours. I mean I’m sure you allow some right?

7. My last interview? It was actually my exit interview from my previous job. It went prett well until i self induced myself to vomit on my old bosses carpet. Best exit interview ever. But I bet I’ll top it when I leave here one day.

8. I am a workaholic. Why? I guess mainly because my wife is a bitch and I would rather stay here than go home.

9. I never ever drink before 2pm on a work day sooo… worries!

10. I know I don’t work here yet but I made a big mess in the bathroom. Wow I mean…I am sorry about it. Lets just say rancid meatloaf met bachelor party met the area right beside the toilet. So lets talk about benefits.


Dear Pope: How condoms work

The Pope was recently in Africa where millions of people have died of AIDS. Millions are also infected with it. He says condoms would HELP SPREAD more AIDS. He said condoms would make it worse.
Sex ed in the vatican is a bit behind the times as it it mainly focused on their handbook “Teaching boys to keep Secrets”.

A CEO of an American condom maker said in response “Yes the Pope is right. And in the future we are going to try to cut down on the condoms covered in AIDS that we ship to Africa and drug users.”


Ten Rejected Names for Care Bears

I recently came across a list from a toy company with rejected toys. I will do my best to periodically update everyone on these long lost toys. This week we will look at rejected Care Bears. I am sure ShareBear and LoveaLot Bear would love to have these guys in the gang…

1. BullyBear: This bear just picks on the other bears. The folks at care bear central wanted someone they could use to educate about bullying. His tummy logo was the sun with  a black eye.

2. NerdBear: This bear was designed to appeal to the more studious children. He is terrified of BullyBear and often finds solace in the embrace of Funshine or GoodLuck Bear. His tummy logo was a heart with glasses and buck teeth.

3. Abortion Bear: This cute little guy was thought up to help scare young girls away from getting pregnant. He has a coat hanger for a logo on his cuddly little tummy.

4. Swear A Lot bear: This adorable little fucker was going to gently introduce children to the very real world of curse words. He was supposed to have three phrases and offer kids an interactive play time. His phrases escalated in severity just as kids gettig older would…”Damn”  “Oh Shit” “CareBear stare this MotherFucker”..oh what a rascal! His tummy logo was a little care bear paw giving the finger.

5. SecretBear: This bear never told anyone what the grownups did. His tummy logo was a set of lips with a finger up to them indicating SHHHHH

6. CyBear: This Bear is half cyborg half cute little care bear. Imagine a cuddly little friend who has a laser guided missle system. His tummy logo is a computer chip.

7. FishBear: This was a rather misguided attempt at encouraging children to swim. They removed the bears paws and gave him fins which just made him look like a mutated..well FishBear. His tummy logo was a lighthouse.

8.  DareBear: This daredevil would constantly dare other bears in to increasingly more and more dangerous stunts. “Hey Grumpybear, I dare you to jump out of the cloud car while its still moving.”  “Hey ShareBear, I dare you to lick that syringe” His tummy logo was a bear skull with bones.

9. SeniorBear: This was a bear designed to show how old people are just as useful as stuffed toys. Its tummy logo was a tombstone.

10. DoucheBear: All I have to say is his tummy logo is a picture of the current bachelor or bachelorette because they are always douches.


NFL Running Back has 9 kids with 9 women….

NFL B-lister and future highway garbage collector Travis Henry just annouced that he has 9 kids with 9 different women.  And people have trouble having kids? They should just follow him around and do exactly what he does.

1. Chat up slutty maid at Howard Johnson

2. Ask her if she has AIDS. She says no. Perfect - AIDS test complete.

3. Tell her you are a rich football player THAN ask her is she is on the pill. She says yes. Perfect - There is no way she will get pregnant. This is bulletproof like those other eight were.

4. Think about pulling out.

5. Don’t pull out.

#3and 5 are key here.

Mr. Henry fell one credit short in univeristy from getting his B.A. in Not Getting Bitches Pregnant.


Welcome to the Jet Set Nerd

This is where I say welcome.

Congratulations on stumbling across the bridge to hilarity which starts at your computer screen and goes inside my head.

I have no idea what I am going to be posting here but I will do it every day in the hope that someone will see it and I will have made a difference in their lives. I also want to stay true myself and keep it real dog.  I also want to follow my heart. I also want to put my heart out there. I also want to donkey punch anyone who cuts me off while I am driving to Tims in the morning.


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